Epictetus the Life Coach:
The problem with optimism is that it’s blatantly incorrect: we aren’t all above average in everything, things do not always get better, and we can’t always get what we want. The problem with realism is that by itself it is depressing, a demotivator that does not elevate.
Say to yourself in the early morning: I shall meet today ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, uncharitable men. All of these things have come upon them through ignorance of real good and ill… I can neither be harmed by any of them, for no man will involve me in wrong, nor can I be angry with my kinsman or hate him; for we have come into the world to work together
Now, this at first seems rather banal: don’t sweat mean people. But this is actually quite important, because frustrations with people, not nature, causes most of our grief. Most of what causes people angst are not exogenous constraints of no one’s fault, but rather, when people do things that seemingly are intended to harm you: someone cuts you off in traffic, privately belittles your contributions to colleagues. Recognize there are things you can control, and those you can’t, and this include other people’s actions: learn the difference, and don’t worry about things you can’t control (aka the Serenity Prayer).
If you remember that most people are mean out of ignorance and you can’t really control that, you take their slights without offense. You still have to manage them, but you don’t let these people anger you. Somehow, thinking about other’s intentions raises hackles much more than any non-conscious constraints. This makes you more effective, and more pleasant to work with, because one of the most endearing qualities is someone with a thick skin.
As a practical matter, living one’s life like Marcus Aurelius generates huge amounts of win. One must not merely love a select few people, but work with many one is much less fond of in a productive way. Modern life is intrinsically social, so either teach people or endure them. Accepting the sad fact that every day, some of our interactions will involve petty insults and slights, sometimes by colleagues and bosses, is much more constructive than either mooning about it (realism) or thinking it doesn’t happen (optimism). If you replace annoying people’s intent with poorly endowed assumptions or logic, an inanimate obstacle, it is not merely more fruitful but less stressful. Your lack of drama will be appreciated by those around you, even those who really don’t like you, and winning them over is a good thing.
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