You just committed murder. What should you do now?

 

You may want to know how long it takes to dissolve a body.

Some insight on how to reduce that aggression level of yours could be useful and along those lines, guys, you should definitely stay away from guns — unless you use them a lot, that is. (Honestly, there may not be much you can do; you and your family may all have serious brain problems. I’m guessing you were probably a pretty fearless kid.)

Now there are some pretty interesting techniques they can use to find where a criminal lives, so maybe you should go on the run.

Most people worry about the wrong things when there are a number of more serious things they should worry about. You can add cops to your list. You’re a social pariah now with the only upside to that being it might make you more creative.

You’re going to need some way to pay the bills.

You might want to go pro with this crime thing now but you’ll need to know how to communicate with other criminals. After all, that’s no easy thing to do considering they are almost as untrustworthy as economics students and people who date online.

Selling drugs is a well known way to support oneself in the underworld but the truth is you probably won’t make much money at it, even if you sell them to astronauts. You might save the world economy, though.

Ladies, you should forget drugs altogether and opt for high end prostitution, which can be far more lucrative. It should be legal anyway and as a prostitute you’re more likely to have sex with a cop than to be arrested by one. You might not make much money, though, because you’re probably already ugly.

There’s no point in any kind of kidnapping because of cellphones. I’d advise you to forget about robbery because there’s just too high a risk of having a naked guy sticking a gun in your face.

Maybe joining the mafia is a better idea.

You’ve got a criminal resume now, after all, and organized crime is one of the few recession-proof industries. Heck, the mob is almost as successful as pirates were. Organized crime is all over the world, from Japan to Mexico, and it’s even online. (During that job interview I wouldn’t tell them that vendettas don’t work. There may be consequences.)

Ladies, if you want to be a female assassin, you’ll probably have to kill more people than the guys will and you may need to smile while doing it. You might also be wondering if the male/female wage gap extends to crime. If it makes you feel better, at least by assassinating people you may be promoting democracy.

So you get caught…

You might have been more successful at evading the law if you changed your name. Anyway, you’ll likely get more attention from the legal system than you’d expected because the crime rate is down and it’s down for a lot of reasons you might not expect.

The cops will try a lot of tricks to get you to confess. It’d help if you understood what lie detection techniques work so you can employ countermeasures. Chuckle when they try to intimidate you with talk of eyewitnesses.

Maybe they won’t figure out you did it. There are pretty quick ways to tell if someone cheated on their taxes, but murder, maybe not so much. You’re probably wishing it was more like the good old days of crime when they didn’t have all that high tech stuff like DNA evidence and video cameras everywhere. Anyway, don’t let what you’ve seen on C.S.I. or Law & Order mess with your head.

What do you do once you’re in front of that judge?

Might want to make yourself as attractive as possible or make yourself look young. Numbers are very important too: only mention low ones and, yeah, your age is gonna be a factor here too. And don’t try and blame what you did on all those violent movies you’ve seen.

Knowing a few things about negotiation and influence probably wouldn’t hurt either. You can say it wasn’t your fault because you’re crazy. Just tell the judge your brother is really smart.

(This link would only be useful to you if you are a Siamese twin.)

So all that stuff doesn’t work and you end up in jail.

Before you start your sentence, stock up on fish. Trust me on that one.

It will probably be very crowded in prison and there are many reasons for that. It might be very valuable to be able to identify at a distance which men are dangerous (and I don’t say that because you’re a hypchondriac woman who is likely to find those men very attractive.)

When trying to make friends you might wanna talk about things you have in common, like having lots of tattoos. And if things go sideways you should know the right time to threaten someone.

If there are terrorists in prison you might not like them very much. Oddly enough, next time you might want to go the terrorism route vs plain vanilla crime because given everything we’ve learned about it they might be less likely to catch you. Anyway, don’t worry about those terrorists too much because you know what they’re like. And despite all the news coverage of athletes getting into trouble you probably won’t see many of them in prison.

Of course, prison is not a fun place, so you might want ideas for how to be happier and how to quickly and easily improve your life. Then again, if you were a happier person you probably wouldn’t be in jail in the first place.

Who knows? You might be surprised what you find inside prison. You might even catch some great Shakespeare behind bars

Hopefully, you didn’t get sentenced to the death penalty. If you did here’s what you might have in common with all the other people on death row. You also might wanna know whether you can really request anything for your last meal and if you’re morbid you’ll be asking “What happens when you get the electric chair?”

But all of that probably pales in comparison to knowing how to get a presidential pardon, right?

 

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